2011
09.22

As in past years, whenever we work with the guys at OBNUG on a Q&A, we also agree to a blog bet. Winner of the game gets a free post on the other’s blog. Unfortunately, this will be the second time we’ve been on the losing end of this bet, but as good sports and being true to our word, here’s OBNUG’s post as collection on our debt. Enjoy.

Inspired by a true movie story
***
Location: Suburbia.

Scene: Kellen Moore, several Boise State teammates, and OBNUG are hanging out at Moore’s house, eating pizza and keeping it real. The group has plans to leave for a midseason vacation the next day.

Moore: Man, what a great trip we’re going to have.
Doug Martin: Yeah, I can’t wait.
OBNUG: Tell me about it, you guys.

OBNUG spills all the drinks over the table.

Billy Winn: Arrgh, who invited the pale kid!
Dan Goodale: OBNUG, you are such a disease.
Max Corbet: This is why you can’t have a press pass.

OBNUG is shamed and sent upstairs to the attic to spend the night. Kellen Moore cleans up the mess with a liquid-recycling ShamWow he invented then goes upstairs to comfort OBNUG. Everyone falls asleep.

***

Cut to George Iloka looking at his alarm clock.

Iloka: We’re late!

Montage of Boise State players rushing around the house gathering things and throwing them into suitcases. Wacky music plays. Everyone runs outside and piles into taxis to go to the airport. Foreshadowing: A police officer bearing a striking resemblance to Tim Beckman cases the house.

***

Scene: Kellen Moore and OBNUG wake up in the attic.

Moore: What time is it?
OBNUG: Time to get a watch! Ha! Oh, you were serious. It’s 10:45.
Moore: 10:45! We missed our flight! Turds! I thought you set an alarm clock.
OBNUG: I got my a.m.’s and p.m.’s confused. Classic OBNUG.
Moore: Oh well. Guess we’ll just make the best of it.

Moore and OBNUG have a super day eating all the junk food in the house, watching PG-13 movies, and going into rooms they’re not allowed in. OBNUG takes a two-hour nap. Moore creates a vegan protein source on accident by messing around with Pop-Tarts. He will win a Nobel prize.

OBNUG: Best day ever!
Moore: Well …

As night falls, two shadowy figures appear outside. Tim Beckman and Eric Page, dressed in black, circle the house, peering through windows and checking the locks. They approach the back door and begin prying it open with a crowbar.

Moore: Did you hear that? It sounds like someone’s breaking in.

Moore pulls out his iPhone5 and calls up the security camera system he installed while OBNUG was napping.

Moore: It’s Tim Beckman and Eric Page. They’re trying to break in.
OBNUG: I’ll call my parents and 911, probably in that order.
Moore: Too late. They’ve cut the phone lines. I know what to do.

Moore uses his mind to summon two of every dog breed in the world to come to the house and chase away Beckman and Page. He keeps the tiny ones as Christmas presents for orphan children.

Toledo fans enter.

Toledo fans: Hey, that’s not fai–OH LOOK I’M ON CAMERA THAT’S SO NEAT.

Toledo fans throw garbage. Toledo fans leave.

Beckman: I don’t understand it. Our gameplan was perfect. We got everyone out of the house so it would just be that Kellen Moore kid. This is supposed to be easy … like it was with that Joe Bauserman guy. Come on, Tim. Think!

Page: We could call in reinforcements.
Beckman: No, that’s silly. We have a gameplan. We need to stick with it.

Beckman and Page approach the house again, this time from the front door. They break the lock on the door and step into the house, only to be X-rayed by a full body scanner that Kellen Moore built and that shows deficiencies in bone health and density, which could lead to early onset osteoporosis. Moore hands out medical pamphlets. OBNUG kicks everyone in the shin.

OBNUG: Take that!

Beckman and Page chase OBNUG and Moore around the house and through several traps that Moore has set up, including a tack strip, sharks with laser beams on their foreheads, a Papau New Guine boar-catching pit, and a Harry Potter spell that makes people fall in love with each other. OBNUG tries to get Beckman and Page to drink diet soda with laxatives.

Page: I think we’re losing. And I’m not sure my role in this robbery is big enough.
Beckman: We’re fine. We’re still in this thing. Just stick with the plan.

Beckman and Page chase Moore and OBNUG into the attic. Moore slams the door behind them and locks it. Beckman and Page begin removing the door hinges to get in the room.

OBNUG: What are we going to do now?
Moore: Relax. I’ve got this thing.
OBNUG: Uh, Kellen, you might want to look outside. That neighbor of ours who carries that snow shovel around and looks like Terrance Owens, well, he’s coming over here. He must have heard the ruckus. I am very nervous about him.
Moore: Don’t worry. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Beckman and Page nearly have the door off its hinges when all of a sudden, Moore’s personal robot, Mr. Goof, races into the hallway, grabs Beckman and Page, flips on its rocket boosters, shoots through the retractable house-roof that Moore installed, flies to county prison, drops Beckman and Page in a cell, and picks up a three-week anniversary gift on its way home for Moore to give to his new wife. It’s a Scentsy candle in the shape of the Japanese word for unity.

Moore: We did it!
OBNUG: We sure did. AAAAAAHH! It’s that Terrance Owens guy!

A shadowy figure appears in the doorway.

OBNUG: Oh, never mind. It’s Austin Dantin.

Austin Dantin enters.
Austin Dantin trips.
Austin Dantin leaves.

Just then, Doug Martin, Billy Winn, George Iloka, and the rest of the Broncos burst through the front door.

Martin: Kellen! You’re safe!
Moore: Of course, guys. It was nothing I couldn’t handle.
Winn: OBNUG, I’m sorry for yelling at you. I know you’ve had a lot on your plate lately with that ironic Tumblr blog of yours and still going through puberty. I apologize.
Max Corbet: Here are some press passes. Go nuts.

And they all lived happily ever after, even Beckman and Page who were released early for good behavior in time to win the MAC championship.

Scene.

3 comments so far

Add Your Comment
  1. Spectacular! That was Epic in a world where we’ve come to expect amazing from Kevan. I’ll never watch “Home Alone” the same way again. I love the scentsy candle!

  2. Made my day. Thank you very much.

  3. “Toledo fans: Hey, that’s not fai–OH LOOK I’M ON CAMERA THAT’S SO NEAT.”

    Hilarious!

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